Written by Sudha Bhadriraju
As a parent, the power of consistently showing up for your child is the single best way to help your child form secure attachment. Secure attachment is not only important for your relationship with your child, but also foundational for all other relationships in their lives, even as adults. Research shows that children with positive, secure attachment to their parents have more maturity, have increased empathy, and are less angry and disruptive than their peers with insecure attachment. They develop into mentally healthy, resilient adults who can trust and empathize with others, have self-esteem, and have healthy long-term relationships.
Parents can show up for their children by responding to their needs with the 4 S’s, a framework popularized by Drs. Dan Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson in their book “The Power of Showing Up.”
SAFE:
Parents have to keep their kids safe and make them feel safe.
*Make a commitment that you won’t be the source of fear in your home.
*If you lose patience and make a mistake, repair with an apology and reconnect with your child as soon as possible afterwards.
*Create a home environment that’s a safe harbor where your child knows that you prioritize their wellbeing.
SEEN:
Children who feel seen will feel validated, so they can confidently and independently explore the world.
*Keenly observe your kids to understand what may underlie their outward behavior.
*Make time and space to let your kids take you into their world with conversations, pretend play, and through creative outlets like art and music.
SOOTHE:
The goal is to teach your child self-soothing and emotional regulation.
*Build a coping toolkit with your child that matches their temperament before emotional situations arise. These can include breathing exercises, repetitive phrases or counting numbers, a physical space they can escape to, or safety objects like a ball or pillow to punch/squeeze/bite in order to release frustration when they are feeling upset.
*Offer your P.E.A.C.E.: your Presence, Engagement, Affection, Calm, and Empathy to help your children navigate big emotions.
SECURE:
*Each time you show up when your child needs you, it fosters trusting adult relationships with you and others.
*Encourage your children to understand, not be afraid of their emotions. This allows them to feel vulnerable, make mistakes, and voice their opinions without fearing punishment or rejection. Teaching them to recognize similar emotions in others helps them learn empathy and ultimately helps them grow into emotionally regulated, secure adults.
Our presence as parents is critical in moments when our children’s little brains are overwhelmed with big feelings, when their little bodies are inundated with uncomfortable sensations, and when their hearts long for calming silences or hugs and kisses to make sense of their hurt. When we show up, we sanction our children’s vulnerability as they experience feeling so human.
Sources:
1. https://drdansiegel.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/10/POSU-Refrigerator-Sheet.pdf
2. https://www.tinabryson.com/thepowerofshowingup
3. https://positivepsychology.com/attachment-styles-childhood/
4. https://psychcentral.com/relationships/the-4-ss-secure-attachment
Sudha is a Pulmonary Critical Care Physician at Mills Peninsula Hospital in Burlingame. She spent the last 3 years on the front lines of the pandemic and now takes her first go at motherhood in stride. She enjoys Indian music and dance, cooking, and traveling, and is still trying to find room for hobbies.